On being… In the Foreign Service
Since moving to the DC area, I've had the opportunity to meet several individuals working in the Foreign Service. This has prompted me to delve into the notable downsides of working in a service that requires overseas assignments and explore some tools for effectively managing these challenges.
One of the primary issues for those in the diplomatic corps is the constant lack of feeling settled. Unlike the U.S., where relocation occurs every one to three years, in the U.K., people typically change jobs every 3-4 years. This frequent movement can lead to various adverse effects, with the most significant being the challenge of building and maintaining meaningful connections. The countdown to the next relocation begins as soon as one arrives, making it difficult to develop deep friendships, given the limited time available and the intense nature of the role.
In addition, there's a shared acknowledgment of the sadness experienced for the family left behind. Whether it's elderly relatives or missed connections with siblings, the toll is significant. Birthdays, marriages and funerals become poignant moments that, due to the nature of the job, are often missed. This separation adds an emotional layer to the already complex landscape of diplomatic service.
To navigate this reality, I introduce the concept of the two minds, at the core of my approach. The "Rooted Mind" is the origin of our thoughts, feelings, and urges, while the "Conscious Mind" houses our values, kindness, logic, and wisdom. Empowering the Conscious Mind is crucial in making mindful life choices required for a diplomatic career.
Understanding the motivations behind choosing this career, such as the desire to see the world, experience new cultures and job security, is vital. Maintaining awareness of these motivations is key to preventing resentment from creeping in, as conscious choices are continually being made.
A central mantra in my work is "Change the things you can change, accept the things you can't." This philosophy is essential in responding to the inevitable sadness and loss associated with regular relocations. When dealing with these emotions, a combination of time and self-compassion becomes crucial. Self-compassion is the second step in my 4-step Change Process, preceded by Focus Reset, a brief mindfulness exercise designed to create distance between the Conscious Mind and the Rooted Mind.
Considering the impact on family members, from trailing spouses facing isolation to children struggling to make meaningful friendships and dealing with potential educational disruptions, reframing becomes crucial. This third step in the Change Process promotes rational, realistic, healthy and helpful thinking. It involves exploring options and support for the family, both emotionally and practically.
Addressing feelings of guilt, often rooted in perceived violations of personal rules, requires reframing through holding a trial. It involves questioning whether actions are malicious and, if not, reevaluating self-imposed punishments like rumination. If you find yourself nodding in agreement, acknowledging that you're not acting with malicious intent but still grappling with the impact on your family, it's time to explore the available options and make choices that align with your values. Consider this as your personal Mirror Test – the ability to look at yourself in the mirror and confidently affirm that you stand by the actions you've taken.
The final step, Mindful Valued Living, encourages embracing valued activities despite the challenges. From exploring new surroundings with family to reading a book or taking a walk, this step is vital in preventing the rumination cycle from overshadowing the unique opportunities that come with a role in the Foreign Service.
In conclusion, working in the Foreign Service provides the joy of living overseas, experiencing the rhythms of different places and serving as an excellent launching point for regional travel. While it brings unique opportunities, it also carries the burden of loneliness, sadness and guilt. If you, or someone you know, is grappling with these challenges and seeks assistance, please feel free to reach out. I am more than willing to arrange a call and provide support on your journey.
Take care,
James